Dear Jesus
- written about 9 years ago

I don’t have it in me to fight. Not anymore. The last fight took it all. Life keeps pushing me in a corner, while the walls start closing down on me from every direction. I know there are people with greater problems than me. I really try not to complain. But I can not deal with another heart break. I don’t know why or how I fell in love. But I did, thats the truth of it all. I cant run from it, I cant hide it, truth be told I don’t want too. It would have been easier on my soul if I had not. Yet my heart has never been in my control. I asked for love. You are love. Nothing but love. Please send some my way. In the form and shape I desire. Perhaps, I am being picky, I would like to think I have paid my dues. I have written so many letters, with so many prayers, so many wishes. I don’t know where they end up. After one heart break all I wanted was it to be put back together. Left overs. Yesterdays. Yesteryears. Some parts I have lost along the way. Some have gone missing, others stolen. Some I gave away happily, got nothing in return. Most were taken without a care, never to be returned. Crushed, Crashed. Not much is left, but the little that is, can I please get it bubbled wrapped and hide it so no one can ever find it and take it away again? I looked for you, I asked for your help. I did whatever I could. I know a lot more can always be done. But I don’t know how! I am lost for words. I am tired. I am exhausted and all I want to do is just give up. About time, you must think. That’s probably the wise thing to do. So here, I surrender. I give up. I will not fight it. I will not run. I will not chase it. I will sit here quietly watch people smile their happy smiles and paste a fake one on my face. I will keep coming to you because you are all I have, but I have given up on love right this moment. It’s simpler this way. It hurts less and its just what I should have done a long time back. I don’t know why I so strongly held on to hope and never wanted to let go. I am letting go. Once again. I have lost. Once again. I am sorry for disappointing you. I am sorry I could not be stronger. I am sorry for who or what I have become. I tried. I put myself out there. I thought, wished and prayed you would make it easier. This time. But I can not hold on any longer. I love you.

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