I am tired of taking care of you
- written about 8 years ago
I'm really proud of you for going off methadone. I really am. But I'm also really tired of your mood swings, your shady friends selling you shady pills to get you through, and your either total lethargy or frantic energy. It's getting so old. You say you need me. You say you appreciate me. Good. I love you. I'm glad to do it. But I cannot, cannot wait until you are over this shit. Please get that methadone out of your system. But be less of a pain in the ass when you do it. Would it kill you to get your own water? Or have a thought you don't share? But since I love you and you're doing something important, I bite my tongue. The trouble is my tongue now has a bigger hole in it than when it was pierced. I have never even seen heroin in my life, so I cannot claim to understand what that addiction was like. So going on methadone and getting closer to humanity was a good step to take. Twelve years later, you're kicking methadone. Somebody told me that methadone was harder to kick than heroin. But there just isn't any good methadone kicking art. Heroin at least has "Trainspotting" and "Cold Turkey". Methadone has gossip, addicts keeping each other sick, cups of a potion that must be taken every day under physical distress. They were both killing you. I just only saw one do it. Am I making amends for not knowing you before you started methadone? Am I making up for all the other ways I was a bad girlfriend? Am I drawn into some apparent karma because most of the people I know or have known were addicted to something? Whatever it is, I wish you get better. For the both of us. I also feel a little selfish for wishing that you were an easier patient. I wish I was more understanding.